You know the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. You also know that the best way to avoid getting what you don't want is to say "NO". Then why are these two simple things so hard to do when you are in an intimate relationship?
The difficulty in these simple tasks comes up because we fear the pain of being rejected. You are taking a chance when you ask for exactly what you want in a relationship because you run the risk of refusal, and that can feel like rejection…painful! For some, depending upon childhood experiences, you may feel as though you have done something wrong when your partner refuses your request. There can be a feeling that YOU have been rejected. Partners will always make requests of you, and there is nothing wrong with that. But, if you are not comfortable with the request and you comply with it anyway you will begin to resent the other person. You may even begin to resent yourself for going along with something you don't believe in. If you're not getting what you want, or if you're giving what you don't want, pressure will build up and there will be an explosion!
If you find yourself thinking: "I can't say that, it will hurt his/her feelings", you are not only making a mistake, you are making an excuse. I see so many relationships suffer because one partner will be not honest about their feelings to the other. They use the excuse that asking for what they want, or saying no to what they don't want will hurt their partner. This usually isn't about your partner's feelings at all. It's about your feelings. Your own fear of being rejected or losing the relationship will have a negative impact on you that will surface sooner or later.
When you are not honest about your feelings you may feel that you have temporarily saved the situation, but eventually you will feel used by your partner and betrayed by yourself. What is happening is that you are settling for immediate gratification instead of what is best for you in the long run. You are avoiding the pain for the time being. Why should there be pain at all when you state your preferences and desires to the one you love? Well, there need not be. Identifying and expressing your feelings honestly accomplishes some really wonderful things, like personal growth and transformation.
When you take the time to identify what is behind your hesitation in certain situations, or your feelings of discomfort, you get to know yourself better. As a matter of fact, that is exactly how to get to know your real self. By getting better acquainted with your real self you experience life in a richer, fuller, more satisfying way. Why? Because you become better equipped to realize what you truly want from life and how to go about getting it. This is the essence of psychotherapy…personal growth by becoming more of your real self.
I've just talked about the benefit to you, but what about your relationship? Well just imagine how much more the real you will have to contribute toward your relationship. If you should discover that the person you are with doesn't like the real you, you will soon see how much better off you are by realizing that now and dealing with it honestly.
